Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Life - 41.10

I can't believe I've done it again--- and left my blog for a couple of years!
It's amazing that any of you are still around here! Thanks for that!

Winter 2017- a time of change, realizations and enjoyment.

I find myself alone in the world once again, with a desire to love and to be loved. Romantic love is a goal, however, so is sharing the love of the soul with all who dare to step out to do so.  I give of myself to my friends, family and coworkers... I also give back to my community by volunteering at  a treatment center for addictions.  This is one of my favorite nights of the week-- I get to just be me and love on these guys who are fighting to gain back everything they lost.  I inspire and get inspired, I see growth and depth...  things that in my past career that were a part of my daily work life.  I can make it through my work life, knowing that I am making a difference somewhere else.

I have not been this alone in the world for  nearly 17 years.  Just looking at the number, I have so many memories of roommates, past loves, and friends that flood my heart.  It is during this time of solidarity living that I am able to give my soul, heart and head the time to get straightened out and back on track.  I am studying, reading, meeting with mentor and praying.  I am dedicating and scheduling time for just me.  I am finding that as I spend more time with me, I like who I am becoming.

 Music soothes the soul or fires it up, depending on what you are looking for- I am finding that I am spending more time with music that travels with me and less time in front of the television.  Music can set the mood, change the mood or  soothe the beast within.  It fills the empty with atmosphere, a sense of home and quiet companionship.  I find that my music tastes are developing into different areas that they have been before- opening up many new windows into the soul of the artist that is touching mine.  I love my Bluetooth speaker that can connect to my smart phone... I can carry it around my very own apartment or even have it connected while I swim away my loneliness.

I have found myself in the pool of my complex more than I thought I would... and doing lengths and laps over playing around in the water.  Water has always been a comfort to me, growing up around lakes, rivers and creeks it was just there.  I remember going to Mexico during a Christmas break- not realizing how sick (depression, anxiety, burn out) I really was until I hit the beach (15 minutes after check in) and found myself sobbing and shaking  with emotions.  The ocean was used to  healed my soul then, so why not a pool now?  I step out of my comfort zone and just head down to the pool and spend my evening swimming, thinking, praying... and if I am lucky I will have a conversation with a member of my complex who is also swimming with me.  The results?  This chubby cuddle bunny is slowly becoming less chubby and more lioness like.

My confidence in who I am is bouncing back.  I am finding that my social anxiety is lessening, as I choose not to see myself through someone else's eyes.  I am stepping out for coffee dates, reconnecting with those friends that I love and cherish, and meeting new people.  I would never find myself heading out to dinner with 11 other complete strangers a few months ago, however, I did just that.  The results? People like who I am and what I stand for.  I can handle myself in a conversation if not a few.  I found a great new restaurant to share with the people already in my life.  Where I thought before that I would never be welcomed or wanted, I see that I am welcomed with open arms and reassuring hugs. 

My past relationship has taught me many things and I am grateful that it happened.
I am also grateful that it ended and that I am on this journey that only could happen now, at this time of life.

Did I really just say that I was grateful it ended? I did.  I still don't believe I wrote it, however, it is a realization that came just as I write this out.

I am impatiently patiently awaiting the next chapter of my personal life... where will it take me? what will I learn? who will it be with? who will I become because of it?

I am letting go... letting God.
I am opening to possibilities that come along.

I am entering with a guarded heart, a patched heart, but one that longs to love back.

He who has started a great work within me... continues to do so.  May He never stop!


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